November 25, 2008

Do YOU Believe !??

Do you believe ?

Not in " GuitarAClaus " or even Santa Claus ... but do you believe in COINCIDENCE ?

This little Christmas tag may not look like that much of a keepsake, but you may think otherwise once you hear the story behind it ... and especially if you DON'T believe in coincidence.

I had a horrible night last night. I was really missing my Jer and I was really hurting, almost as bad as the first days after he died. I cried until I cried myself to sleep ... it was well after 3 in the morning. I figured my day off the next day would be shot. I'd probably sleep in and just hide under my blankets and lick my wounds. It had been raining all night and was still miserable when I first woke up. I just retreated back into my cocoon.

Then my phone rang. Damn, WHO would that be ... I let it go over to message. It was from Jerry's brother Tom. He said he had something for me that Jer wrote and to call him back.
I rolled out of bed, splashed some water on my red and swollen eyes, took a drink to ease my dry throat and made the call.

Tom said " You won't believe this ! I was taking some old newspapers out of a bag I got from Dad to fire up the wood stove in the garage and this paper flew out from between the rest. It's something Jer wrote to you ! I thought you would want it. "

I told Tom that I often saved maybe one out of 20 of Jer's notes he wrote to me ... just the ones that said something out of the usual ... and Tom said, " Well THIS isn't a note, but I won't tell you any more, you've got to come see it. "

So I was intrigued. Was it some music Jer wrote ? I puttered around thinking of the possibilities and finally pulled myself together and left for Tom's garage.

When I got there, we talked for a few minutes first and Tom was SURE there was more to this all than simply finding a note from Jer. He didn't come right out and say it, but he was implying that Jer prevented the note from simply getting tossed into the flames of the stove and lost forever. " It was the way it flew out of the handful of papers I had, " said Tom.

So he finally presented the Christmas tag, and at first I was disappointed that it wasn't music manuscript or a love note, or well, something more exciting .... but then I started to think, what are the odds !

Because the note addresses me as " Shelly " it dates it back to our first Christmas at the Lavene house together. Our very first Christmas as a couple, I was still living in my own apartment. Later Christmas celebrations Jer would have written his pet name for me, " Zilla " ( AKA Blonde Zilla ) So this tag had been stuffed into a bag of newspapers over 5 years ago and only NOW after Jer has passed does this tag leap out away from the other papers so as to NOT get tossed into the fire.


After I placed the tag into my pocket over my heart, Tom and I chatted a while about Jer and things that had been weighing on our minds ... It was a good talk and I was happy to have visited with Tom.

Tom had to get back to work, so I decided while I was in town to do some things I had dreaded ... to complete some tasks that would set my life back on tract ... things I had put off already and would not have gotten around to if Tom hadn't roused me out of my emotional coma.

To my delight, the rest of the day seemed to fall into place and all the things I had dreaded to face worked themselves out to the BEST outcomes. It seemed as if Jer was guiding my way, giving me the confidence and the attitude I needed to clear my path and begin the rest of my journey free of the weights I had been carrying.

Did Jer visit us today ? Did he want to wish us a happy holiday season ? Does everything really happen for a reason. I think of the phrase " God works in mysterious ways " and I just have to wonder, was this His work ?

I don't believe in coincidence, so ......

Thank you for guiding my way today Jer !

And Happy Holidays to you all !!

November 11, 2008

The Passing of my hero

The Summer flew by and the scent of Fall was in the air, but Jer and I were looking forward to our favorite time of year, his 60 th birthday and almost two weeks of vacation. I had been working full time as a favor to my boss, knowing Jer and I would have plenty of time together soon.

Labor day, September 1 st, was the first day of our long awaited vacation and we wanted to get the mundane out of the way, so we went out grocery shopping to fill the cupboards before getting caught up in the freedom our vacation would bring. Jer always helped me with the shopping, the loading of the car, the unloading and the putting away of the items when we got them home. I was always so grateful for his help, but especially this day, as I wasn't feeling well.

Jer always did the cooking, but he had a lesson to give that evening, so we splurged and ordered take-out. After all the groceries were put away, we sat down to a nice meal together and I apologised to Jer for being so grumpy that morning. I had taken some medicine for my pain and crampiness, and planned to take a nap when Jer went to teach his guitar student. Jer jumped in the tub as I drifted off to sleep.

I awoke a 8:30 p.m. I was feeling much better. Jer wasn't home. He had mentioned he might go to Bingo, so I got busy with my dolls. As midnight approached, I was filled with anticipation and listening for Jer to drive up in his Jeep. Our kitty always got excited too and would run to a window to look out at him and then wait for him at the top of the stairs. I would hear him come in, and hear him say in a sing-song voice, " Zillaaaa ! I'm home ! "

In our 6 years living together I had NEVER spent a night without Jer. As much as he liked to stay busy and was always on the go, I could count on him being there in the mornings and at the end of the day. But this night would be different. When he didn't show up just after midnight, I started to worry, but then reassured myself with the thought that perhaps Jer won at Bingo and was trying his luck at the slot machines ... on the rare occasion he would win on the slots, sometimes he would come home thrilled for the win, and sometimes he would stay out late playing it back .... he must be playing it back, I thought.

2 a.m. came and went ... I couldn't sleep so kitty and I watched a T.V. show ... the show had sled dogs in it and I chuckled as the kitty was actually watching T.V. with me, excited for the barking and the movement on the screen. I couldn't wait for Jer to come home to tell him how cute she was ! 4 a.m. came and went ..... now I was REALLY worried.

I had told Jer the few times he did this that I would worry, not because he was out late, but because I would worry he would fall asleep coming home and end up on the side of the road somewhere. By 7 a.m. I was frantic.

Jer's brother Tom came through the door. He always stopped in during the week for coffee before he went to work, but this was too early ... then I heard his wife ... not a good sign, as she almost never came over in the morning ... I rushed downstairs and said " Where's Jerry !?! "

Tom explained, " I was called to the Emergency room late last night and Jer was in surgery all night ... he's in the I.C.U. now.

My heart sank. There was no time to chastise Tom for not calling me. I threw some clothes on and was out the door headed to I.C.U.

Tom had filled me in while I was dressing. Jer had been headed up to play bingo, but never got there. He had a friend in the car with him. He had said, " I feel dizzy " and pulled the car over, then suddenly went limp over the steering wheel. The friend flagged someone down who had a cell phone and EMS was called. Jer was rushed to the E.R. and told he needed to go into surgery or he would die. He gave verbal consent and was rushed to surgery. Jer had experienced a leaking abdominal aneurysm - a weakness in an artery wall had perforated. He was losing blood fast.

When I got to the I.C.U. I saw Jer hooked up to no less than eleven I.V.s and he was on a breathing machine. But he was AWAKE and alert and he KNEW I WAS THERE ! He reached out for me and I held his hand. He squeezed my hand in that tender way that only he could. I asked him a few questions and he was able to answer appropriately yes or no. I was so glad to be able to communicate with him. He fought against his respirator to say " I LOVE you ! " and " It'll be alright ! "

But as a nurse, it was soon obvious to me that he was doing very poorly. His organs were shutting down. His blood pressure was extremely low and dropping. The nurses were working fervently over him, a constant whirl of activity keeping up with all the I.V.s and blood transfusions. Nothing was working.

I had all day Tuesday with Jer, and only stepped away from him as other friends and family would come in to shake his hand and say a few words to him. I stayed by his side all evening and was pleased that his favorite vocalist, Eileen, stopped by in the late evening around 10 p.m. She sang a few songs to him and it was clear he was glad to see her. He squeezed her hand and shook his head yes and no to her questions.

The change of shift came and I was asked to step out of the room so the nurses could reposition Jer. I was allowed back in at Midnight. I returned to my position at the bedside and reached for Jer's hand ... there was no response ... I went to his face and looked into his swollen eyes. His pupils were dilated and he no longer followed my movements. My Jer was unconscious.

We had turned the corner and it was now time for me to tell Jer it was O.K. to go now. His body was broken and unable to be repaired. I told him to go be with his Mother, that I would be O.K. I told him Tal Farlow had a great gig for him and he would be playing with the angels now.

At about 4 a.m. the nurse requested I call the rest of the family back to the hospital. We all gathered around and waited, and talked about days gone by ... we talked about how Jer loved to make people laugh. It was just after 10 a.m. when Jer's cousin Greg, who was more like a brother to him, had re-told a story about him and Tom and Jer goofing off around the table as kids. Greg got us all laughing and Jer's vital signs all seemed to pick up for a minute ... then crashed to zero.

The nurse said. " He's gone. "

Greg jumped up and said, " I KILLED him ! " and quickly exited the room. We all followed him to reassure him that Jer left BECAUSE we were laughing and " his job was done here " .... there would have been no better time to leave us then right then while we were all laughing about a funny stunt he pulled when he was a kid.

After consoling the family, I went back into the room. It is my belief that the spirit lingers over the body for a time, kind of like stopping to say goodbye to it. I asked the nurse to help me get a lock of Jer's curly hair. She consented.

The nurse watched silently as I picked up Jer's head and cradled it in my bosom one last time.
I then kissed Jer full on the lips and said, " Goodbye shell of my beloved " and looking up, said to the spirit of Jer that I could still FEEL in the room, " I WILL see you again ! "

Without further words, the nurse handed me her scisors and I clipped a lock of hair.

With that, I thanked the nurses and left to go home and tell Jer's 95 year old Dad that he had lost his son.

It's been a bit over two months since Jer passed on Sept. 3 2008. Life without Jer has been hard. He was my Rock, as I wrote about him in a previous blog entry. I spent my vacation packing to move into my own place and I was mad at the universe for taking my Jer before I had the chance to spend his 60 th birthday and some quality time with him.

I had tremendous support from his many friends and the musical community. There was a musical celebration and dedication a few weeks after his death, and the Mayor of Plattsburgh declared a Jerry Lavene day to continue to honor his memory for all time.

Jerry Lavene Day

I was so pleased to see Jerry honored this way. He SO deserved it !

I was also comforted by my online community. So many people had come to " know " Jer through my forum posts and Flickr photo stream. I got over 800 views and 87 comments on this Flickr photo alone ! ( see below )

My Jer is playing with the angels

( Click photo to enlarge )

Even now, I don't know what I would have done without the many far away friends that helped me NOT feel alone !


I now busy myself sorting through the music Jer left behind. It is my single-minded task to gather his music together and transfer cassette and CD recordings to DVD. I have found some treasures among the many cassettes. Some recordings will need to be " cleaned up " for better sound quality. I also have a years worth of guitar lessons that Jer gave to me which I had recorded on VHS. I recently bought a VHS to DVD converter/ recorder so that I can transpose these memories to DVD and then be able to share them on line. I want to get Jer's music out to the masses. It is a Herculean task to gather the bits and pieces into a compact music collection, but it is my hearts desire and will help me to heal.

In time, I will be able to get past the pain and remember all the love, laughter and music Jer brought to my life. I was so Blessed !!